Samaria Outlaw
A Letter for Home
I NEVER FOUND MISSISSIPPI TO BE A BEAUTIFUL PLACE. MY WORLD ONLY CONSISTED OF WHAT I HAD BEEN EXPOSED TO; I HAD NO IDEA OF HOW VAST LIFE COULD BE. ALL I SAW WAS BLACK MEN AND WOMEN STRUGGLING TO MAKE ENDS MEET. LIVING IN APARTMENTS THAT MADE US CLOSER THAN NEIGHBORS, WE WERE CELL MATES.
AND THAT WAS NORMAL…
ON THE SCHOOL BUS, WHEN WE WOULD DRIVE THROUGH THE NICE NEIGHBORHOODS, I WOULD IMAGINE; WHAT IF ME AND MY FAMILY HAD ONE. A TWO STORY MANSION, A HOME WITH A FRONT PORCH AND A BACK YARD TO PLAY IN. BACK THEN, HAVING A HOME WAS THE WORK OF FICTION AND SINCE I WAS REAL, THINKING THAT WE WOULD EVER OWN ONE WAS UNREALISTIC.
AND THAT WAS NORMAL…
I WENT TO SCHOOL WITH KIDS WHO DIDN’T HAVE FRESH SHIRTS ON THEIR SHOULDERS, DIRT STAINS ON THEIR SLACKS. ME AND A COUPLE OF PEOPLE I KNEW, ROCKED THE SAME PAIR OF SHOES FROM THE FIRST DAY OF CLASS; TILL THE END OF SUMMER SCHOOL. 30 HEADS TO A CLASSROOM, WE ALL BECAME INVISIBLE, LONG BEFORE WE HAD THE CHANCE TO BECOME INDIVIDUALS. HELP NEVER CAME WE DIDN’T HAVE SUPER HEROS. TESTS SCORED US THE FACE OF VILLAINS; WHEN WE WERE JUST CHILDREN, STARVING FOR ATTENTION. WHEN OUR PLEAS GOT DROWNED OUT BY THE GROWLS IN OUR GUTS; WHEN LUNCH WAS THE LAST MEAL OF THE DAY FOR MOST OF US. BUT YOU COULD HEAR CLEARLY, A PIN DROP IN THE EMPTY MINDS; STUDENTS GONE UNEDUCATED, HUNDREDS TOO MANY AT A TIME.
AND THAT WAS NORMAL…
ALL THESE THINGS AS COMMON AS MISSISSIPPI RAIN ON A HOT SUMMER DAY. CLOUD COVER AS THICK, AS A FAMILY SECRETE. A CYCLE CONTINUED, A YOUNG DAUGHTER GIVING BIRTH FAR TOO SOON. SAME AS HER MOTHER; AS ACCEPTED A DAD WHO FAILED TO BECOME A FATHER. LIKE WATCHING PARENTS COME HOME TIRED FROM WORK; WORKED SO HARD THAT THEIR SOUL GOT WASHED AWAY WITH THE MISSISSIPPI DIRT. OLD MEN SAT UNDER TREES DRINKING LIQUOR, UNCHANGED, LIKE THEIR FEET WAS ROOTED TO THE MISSISSIPPI EARTH. HUMIDITY PRESSED, SMOTHERING OUR MINDS, SO THAT WE COULDN’T THINK OUR WAY OUT FROM OPPRESSION. OPPORTUNITY WAS HARD TO SEE, WHEN THE AIR GOT THICK AND IT BECAME HARD TO BREATH. CHOKING FROM THAT MISSISSIPPI GRIP THAT WOULDN’T ALLOW US TO LEAVE.
AND THAT WAS NORMAL…
BUT NOW, WHEN I GO BACK, I CAN SEE THE BEAUTIFUL MAGNOLIAS, THE MASSIVE LAKES, THE BOATS AND THE JET SKIS. MANSIONS BUILT FOR GODS THAT I WAS NEVER SUPPOSE TO KNOW EXISTED; NOT A LITTLE BLACK GIRL DESTINED TO GET STUCK IN THE CRACKS OF THE SYSTEM. HOW NICE IT SHOULD’VE BEEN, HAD I BEEN BORN THE RIGHT COLOR, NOT RAISED IN THE STRUGGLE. GETTING PENALIZED AS IF I HAD A CHOICE; TO SAY WHETHER OR NOT I WANTED TO HAVE AN UNHEARD VOICE. ODD, THAT IT TOOK ME LEAVING HOME; FREEING MYSELF FROM THE CHAINS FROM WHICH I WAS BORN. FREEDOM ALLOWED THE EXPANSION OF PERCEPTIONS. THE WISDOM TO KNOW THE LINK BETWEEN A CURSE AND A BLESSING. THE STRUGGLE WAS THE CURSE THE PATH MADE ME STRONGER. TURMOIL BUT UNBROKEN; A MISSISSIPPI QUEEN SLOWLY UNFOLDING. THE BLESSING IS THAT I FOUND PEACE WITH KNOWLEDGE. KNOWING THAT SOMEHOW, PEOPLE BUILD LIVES ON A HOMELAND THAT REMAINS A BATTLEGROUND. FOREVER, THAT WILL BE THE BEAUTY AMONG US, MISSISSIPPI SURVIVORS.
Samaria Outlaw writes: My name is Samaria Outlaw, I’m from Mississippi. I spend a lot of time to myself, drawing, writing, and imagining. I love mixing different styles of art, different mediums. I try to re-create pivotal moments in life through my work; in hopes, that someone might find themselves, or perhaps, I might find me.
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